What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 10:32
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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What did i know ?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But it wasn’t much.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I don,t even have a pension.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So whats the point in blame.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
When she asked me how she looked .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I have no regrets .
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I will be 64.
Im still living with it.
She married twice! .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And i lived it daily.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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He resisted the act ,that day.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He knew the spot.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was seconnd youngest,
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Who then, do I blame.?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She was in good health!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I waited trembling.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I think the readers, may guess!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My life is so biszare .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We all went to grammer schools
It was going to be , some day.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One cannot live in the past .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was very sick at this time too.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We were not on the streets..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She wouldn,t have been !
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Ive learnt so much.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I said to her
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was scared of men, in general
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was 9 years of age.
I couldn’t, believe it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So, i spoilt her more .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Put me off passion for life!!
All the time i was locked up.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Comes on , in middle age.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Would this be the day?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I write beautiful poetry .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She loved him until the end.
This is soul school!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My family never makes their pension either.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She found it foreign!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.